“We’re Like a Startup Inside a Big Company” Says Team With Zero Budget

NEW YORK — Web conference company Webex establishes a New-to-Us Products Team to explore AI technology. CEO, Chuck Robbins described via internal email as a "bootstrapped startup within a company" with a footnote saying "budget will reflect as such," Serious Tech News sources confirmed.

"Only hustlers and innovators were chosen for the New Products Team. The company supports our seemingly out-of-the-box ideas as long as we don't spend any money, find a product-market fit within 3 weeks, or pivot to anything as long as it can become a Zoom competitor. Pivots! Just like the Silicon Valley people!" said ecstatic Team Lead Adam Scruggs. 

Scrugg’s most recent work at the orgnization involved expanding server budgets through copious slide deck developments to the Upstate New York Regional Manager.  Scruggs is very proud to have undertaken all of this work himself. 

“Honestly, this team is going to be a complete shit show, they’ve moved Adam over, but the dumbass doesn’t realize that I’ve been the one editing his slide decks at night and convincing his reports that despite all failings, he’s somewhat tolerable,” Chief of Staff Abigail Kennedy said.

Editors note: Shortly after this, Team Lead, Adam Scruggs was admitted to the ER for heart palpitations caused by a lack of sleep and Celcius energy drinks.  Serious Tech News does not provide medical advice, nor is a medical expert — but like come on we can all agree that that’s probably a bad idea right? Scruggs is currently on a 72 hour psychiatric hold.

"I didn't know working with a small team of nerds with no money would be this hard. Before, whenever I needed $2 million to build a new landing page, I only needed to write a proposal and go through 15 different meetings across 5 quarters."

"We're a tight and lean team here; I even made our own t-shirt and hired an Upwork designer for the logo, all out of my own pocket. I haven't seen my wife and daughter in 3 weeks, but can't run from the grind. This pseudo-startup needs me. They're like my family, but better."

Other New Product Team members, senior employee Juliana Anderson, was initially enthusiastic about having a "startup-like" excitement without leaving the comfort of her enterprise salary, but is now rethinking her decision.

"I didn't know working with a small team of nerds with no money would be this hard. Before, whenever I needed $2 million to build a new landing page, I only needed to write a proposal and go through 15 different meetings across 5 quarters. Now they just said 'No, we can't fund you' just because we're a 'lean startup inside a company'? What the fuck?" said the exasperated Anderson, who lobbied to have the title Senior Vice President for the new team.

"Yesterday, the engineers were yapping about blog posts from this guy named Paul Graham and thinking about shipping an 'MVP' – I've been working at Webex for 15 years and I can tell you for sure, no product with integrity should be shipped without the approval of at least six committees through 12 board meetings."

As of press time, Scruggs was seen giving a motivational speech about this is a "war time" period and how he expected everybody to "grind harder" after telling that everyone on the team is now under PIP.

Editors note — Webex CEO Chuck Robbins declined to comment on this story, saying "Are you fucking kidding me? Get the fuck out of my house." and referenced needing to contact legal for any further comment.