Serious Tech News #6: Pedal Of Honor

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Last week, the United States of America welcomed their 46th President. That’s right, after four grueling years, America finally has another white man leading the country.

On Day Zero of his presidency, President Biden already managed to achieve one of the most unthinkable feat: reuniting the New Radicals.

This strong start also set high expectations for the Biden administration to accomplish the unthinkable, such as stopping further development of new CRM tools, limiting the number of new JavaScript frameworks, or permanently ban the phrase ‘quick thread’ on Twitter.

However, Biden’s start hits a small bump he’s immediately hit with a wicked scandal almost worthy for an immediate impeachment: riding an overpriced electric bike.

Presidential Pedal Of Honor

The newly elected President’s $2,000 Peloton bike is deemed a potential cybersecurity risk, due to the built-in cameras and microphones equipped in the $2,000 priced stationary bike. We personally found it offensive that the price itself, which is again, $2,000, is not classified as a national security threat.

To mitigate this issue, a spokesperson for the United States Secret Service affirmed they would escort President Biden on his Peloton sessions, fully armed.

Not wanting to lose the most powerful man in the world as a customer, Peloton will provide a White House exclusive Peloton course with enhanced security.

The multi-billion dollar company is also recruiting Biden’s old partner and former President Barack Obama as the class instructor so that he can tell Biden what to do just one more time.

Can You Feel The Bern’ Tonight? No Seriously, Because He’s Freezing

Another highlight of the inauguration ceremony is, other than Lady Gaga’s insane brooch, the birth of the “Sitting Bernie meme.”

The picture of Vermont senator and former folk singer Bernie Sanders trying to stay warm during the ceremony has gone viral overnight. The meme's popularity officially put Bernie in the Productive Freezing Old Man Hall Of Fame, right there with the Wim Hof guy.

The meme became so popular that NYU Student Nick Sawhney created a meme generator that lets you put the former comedy actor anywhere in the world.

When the site was still up, a mindboggling of 9,849,938 Bernie-around-the-world images were created. STN source reported that at least 3 million of them were created by Ted Cruz.

Our source claimed that the Texan senator generated images of Bernie in the middle of Red Square in Moscow as a preparation for his 2024 presidential campaign.

Google 'as ta pay money Fahkin' too right, cobber.

Last week, Google threatened ta stop their service in 'straya as a response ta the bloody government’s proposed digital news code. Undah the bloody new law, the bloody seahrch donk would be obliged ta shahah their ad revenue with strine mediah companies.

If Google does follow through with its wahrning, 'stralians would be fawrced ta use othah seahrch donks such as Bing, DuckDuckGo, 'n (help me god) Yahoo, potentially fawrcin' strine people into a fahkin' mad hysteriah leadin' ta the bloody events that stahrted fahkin' Mad Max: Fury Road. Bloody oath cobber.

Instacartel?

Instacart is currently under scrutiny after its recent round of layoffs. The grocery delivery app fired 2,000 employees, including 10 unionized workers among them. Some prominent news media sites described the story as a masked sinister move to fire the union workers, which ignites rebuttal from some people in the tech community.

While we may never know if Instacart really did deploy the Agatha Christie murder strategy to get rid of union influence, it’s definitely not putting them in the best light.

Jack’s Back

After 3 months of disappearance, the founder and CEO of Alibaba Group, Jack Ma, made his first public appearance in three months in a suspiciously hostage-situation like video. Before his return, there were rumors that Ma was “re-educated” by the Chinese Communist Party.

Luckily, Serious Tech News received a scoop from a trusted source in China, stating that REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED REDACTED

…In totally unrelated news, our China special correspondent is now missing, and we’re still unable to get a hold of his whereabouts. However, we are quite sure that he would pop up anytime soon.

In other news…

• Another win for America, the White House website now has Dark Mode. Next on the Presidential Product Pipeline: social login, Zapier integration, and of course, Alexa commands
• Apple is planning to make thinner products. Our inside source told us that Apple’s future ultimate product would be a literal piece of laminated paper with “Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish” written on it. You also have to pay the $49 lamination fee.

Thank you for reading! Hope you enjoyed this issue, and if you like some of the quotes, It’d be awesome if you can share your favorite quotes with people you love (or hate if you don’t like it), or on social media.

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Have a great week! Better times are coming.